Still Strugglin'

Today is one of these dark days.

Days that remind me I have I very limiting disease.
Days that remind me that it may be long before I am able to work again.
Days that remind me of my capacity to withstand all the pain.
Days that remind me I will have more of these days.

Days that make me feel less like myself and more like a living disease.

According to rumours, Motorola is about to release its next fashion phone, the PEBL V6, in 30 to 60 days.

There's a pre-production unit review with lots of pix at Mobile-review.

Finally a good surprise, had too many unwanted ones lately (car got stolen, friend died, saved my father from death 2 times last month - and last time he would've woken up dead if I weren't awake at 4am due to my eczema itch-scratch problem and didn't hear him fall in the bathroom - had to take him to the E.R. immediately).

I wasn't really expecting any kind of love life for months now, since I am damn fugly and somedays invalid because of my severe atopic dermatitis. Then a friend called me and I got out with her. And we made up ;)

I never got so anxious before a date, because I simply DO NOT DATE when I am with my face full of scratch marks and with this *lover-ly* reddish coloration (I avoid taking pictures too when I'm like this). Actually I never had this pre-dating anxiety thingie in my 'normal' state.

But it was really great. She'd seen me affected by this fuggin' disease before and she understands it almost perfectly (she is a Dermatologist), besides being beautiful, charming, very intelligent and hella funny ;)

I'm not well today but I can only be thankful for having spent two great nights with her so far. And my friends, who encouraged me (actually they annoyed me to death) not to cancel the date, deserve a lot of credit too.

Just hope it works out :)

'Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name'

(Love's Divine - Seal)

PCMag did a review on the main webmail services, now that there are more competitors around, the relatively new Gmail and the newer AIM Mail.

My fav, Yahoo! Mail, which I pay for the Plus services (19.99 USD/yr, attachments of up to 20Mb, 2Gb storage, ability to receive and send mail from your other POP3 accounts), got the best marks.

Check 'em here:

June 22 PC Mag reviews:

AIM Mail, Gmail, Yahoo Mail, Hotmail.

If you are feeling charitable and want to help, click once a day in each of these links:

http://eptv.globo.com/nutron/index.htm
http://www.bebaleite.com.br/scripts/doeleite/
http://www.thehungersite.com
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com
http://www.thechildhealthsite.com
http://www.theliteracysite.com
http://www.therainforestsite.com

The first two are Brazilian, the first one is to help get rations for dogs and cats which were caught in the street and are being mantained by a charity non-gov. animal protection institution, the second one is to donate 50ml of milk with each click to poor children (you gotta on click the pic where it's written 'Clique Doe Leite' in red - BTW 'Obrigado' means 'Thank You' in Portuguese).

And man, after all the charity thingy you must be tired, so do like me and have a blast with the latest Strong Bad Mail. I laughed my @$$ off with this one, click on the pic to go there:

If you use the magnificent Bloglines (a site for you to see all the new posts or blogs or news sites you subscribe to - check out my page @ BL for an example - and to see what the coolest sites to read in da 'net are, since *I* subscribe to them ;), you can susbscribe to this humble (cough cough) weblog by clicking this nice button below:

I don't know why people read the newspaper everyday, I think they just want to get themselves (more) depressed.

I read it on a 3-5 day basis (depending on my skin condition, will to do active things, many days this stupid condition makes me wanna stay in bed all day because of the itch-scratch-bleed-pain cycle or surf the good ol' net) - but fact is, everytime I read it, it makes me sad:

- My soccer team (São Paulo) won the South America cup, effectively being classified for the FIFA World Club Championship. Cool huh? Yeah, but after the game a LOT of fans caused rampage and vandalism in my city's most beautiful avenue, Av. Paulista.

- One Corinthians (another big team here) fan was killed by two other Corinthians fans just because he was going to the game with some São Paulo-supporter friends. The two guys just got off a motorbike and shot the poor fellow twice for being 'aligned with the enemy'.

- One daily worker was yelled at and then ignored by our MAYOR because he complaint that his daughter's daycare center is now closing earlier than in the previous administration. The mayor called him, in loud voice, an ally of the party of the previous one (even though the worker guy said he always voted for the actual mayor) and then turned his back, completely ignoring him, in front of the press.

- The most prestigious luxury store in my city and the whole Latin America (sells every fashion brand you can imagine at ridiculous prices, Gucci, Armani, Ermenegildo Zegna, etc) was recently discovered to have owners who seemingly like to practice tax evasion as a regular hobby.

And that was just yesterday's paper.

I guess if we had a scandal like the Watergate one, which generated movies and all kinds of discussion for years among American people, it would get at most a note in the newspaper here.

Today's paper is right beside me, but I think I'll just read the Car part and maybe the Sports one.

Man just take a look at this Optimus keyboard thingie. It's a KB with an OLED screen in each key, to be released sometime in 2006 as they say. Link to the product is here.

It'a a total geek and hardcore gamer's dream.

Yesterday I had my first contact with that World of Warcraft game on a friend's PeeCee (Mac user here).

Sure it's marvelous, but it saddened me so deeply after I came back home.

Because, in these past months, those five hours were the best of my recent life.

The reason is that it let me 'get out' of my existence, leave my pain for a lil' time, since MMORPGs like that game absorb you completely.

Sad, isn't it.

We are always in a neverending journey.

A journey is meant for you to find out who you are.

Your purpose, your personality, your pleasures.

But within this utmost journey, there are several smaller ones.

Some of them are full of joy.

Some, on the other hand, are filled with pain.

Both types are intrinsically linked.

Because you must remember the good journeys when you are on a bad one.

So that you will not break, you will not succumb, not give up.

And also, you must recall the bitterest moments when you are living your dreams.

So that you will savour and value them properly, as the good moments deserve to be.

What matters is not what happens at the end of a journey.

But what happened to you and how you changed during it.

Spike: What do you know? It's your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me. *I'm nothing without her*.

Buffy: That I'll have to agree with. You're pathetic, you know that? You're not even a loser anymore, you're a shell of a loser.

Spike: Yeah. You're one to talk.

Buffy: Meaning?

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.

Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.

Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.

Angel: That's right.

Spike: *You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. LOVE ISN'T BRAINS, CHILDREN, IT'S BLOOD. BLOOD SCREAMING INSIDE YOU TO WORK ITS WILL. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.*

I know how it is to face a yearlong battle, against yourself and against others.

I know how it is to emerge victorious from your inner conflicts after such a long time.

I know how it is to feel hopeless in the middle of the night, and scream for somebody who is not there and will never be.

I know how it is to have your yearnings completely denied all this time, and how cold and uncaring you can become during this private hell.

I know how it is to be completely exhausted when you get over such a long period of continuous challenge and suffering with no time at all to rest.

I know how it is hard when you have to contain the pain within yourself, because nobody else can help you.

I know how torturing it is when you have to accept the fact that you have lost the battle, even when you deserved to have won.

I know how it is to feel like a tired, yet stronger, warrior who has come back from a long and lonely war.

And I know how it is when this loneliness strikes you so deeply sometimes, to a point that you'd wish that anybody would come to comfort you.


I am very, very tired. I have been fighting too much, too hard, for too long. Take my hand and lead me home. Or, take me anywhere.


(by me)