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4.15.2006

Roller Coaster


36 hours awake. This sucks big time. I tried to sleep 5 times since I woke up 'a long time ago', but those damn scratching crisis will not let me.

They make me bleed and hurt and get tense and et cetera.

But you know? It's funny in a way. I read psychiatric studies about personality changes.

Simplifying a lot, what called my attention in that article was the analysis of personalities of people who were whiny and complained about everything in life and then something really good happened to them (in one case, winning the lottery). At the same time, people who were optimistic and cheerful who suffered something just awful, like losing a leg, being disabled, contracting HIV and the like.

After the initial shock on both 'extremes', with the exception of drastic attitudes like one or another not being able to handle the shock of his now greatly severed condition and committing suicide... After a period of 6 months, the whiny, depressive people who got great things that happened to them continued to be whiny, pessimistic, et cetera. The people who were cheerful and optimistic, after their initial shock (6 months later too) continued to be themselves. Of course maybe a little shaken up by their new limitations, but still optimistic about life and in a much more positive attitude towards themselves and life itself than the depressive, whiny fellows who had great things happening to them.

So I guess people's essence do not change if they do not have clinical depression or have any other accident during their adaptation period. That's how, I guess, manage to still help people and give them medical advice, support my large quantity of friends and always be tender with the people I love - even though in some ways, my case is worse than an accident, because I have no idea (nor any doctor in the world) when and if I will get better and be able to work again, or even get out of home more than once a week, since most days I am so hurt physically and so freaking ugly that I just do not want to (or cannot, sometimes) do anything I wish I could be doing. Like exercising, or working, or even traveling somewhere quiet to change my room and bedroom and TV and Playstation 2 and internet routine.

Anyway, I kinda hope I am right and never succumb to it, even though I have had a hell of a night and spent most of it crying (not from sadness but from pure pain). Fortunately the pain has gone, the insane scratching too, and maybe I will be able to sleep soon.

Well, as I always try to think... Rise and shine, Love, no matter what.

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